In This Week's News...
...man who asked to be crushed between the chests of two mummies explains, "I was expecting MILFs": full story, page 3...
...evil genius finally admits why he's so insecure: full story, page 3...
Doctor Who and the Internet Memes, Episode One
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
MUSHROOM!
MUSHROOM!!!
In Other News...
...production team that promised "darkest series yet" admits to being terribly over-literal: full story, page 3...
..."listen, wouldn't this whole deception be more reliable if we installed one-way glass in these things rather than having to open them every time we want to check on the subjects?" asks eye-patch woman: full story, page 3...
...crude, half-formed, rubbery-faced parody of the Doctor meets his Rebel Flesh duplicate: full story, page 3...
...after fan-blog claims end-of-season finale will be over-complicated, over-budgeted mess that fails to live up to expectations, writer-producer launches into bizarre rant about spoilers: full story, page 3...
...environmentalists claim Doctor Who "using up 80% of the world's blue light": full story, page 3...
...long-term Doctor Who viewer, told to "go away and be a fan of something else", responds with elementary "go away and stop ruining our programme" defence: full story, page 3...
Morality Corner: Your Ethical Questions Answered
"To exterminate a life-form... to know that just by touching two wires together, I have the power of life and death over an entire species... do I have that right?"
"Yes! Duh: how are you going to look cool when you're agonizing about stuff? In fact, not only should you broadcast an order to commit genocide against creepy-looking aliens, you should turn your sonic screwdriver into a gun so that you can help your love-interest slaughter as many of them as possible on the way out. Then, once she's good and hot from all the killing, cop off with her while dramatic music plays in the background and the viewers cheer like the shit-eating battery animals we all know they are. Haven't you seen any action movies? Get with the programme, granddad!"
Next time: how to end "The Silurians" after episode four, by gouging their eyes out with razors and claiming it's a revolution.
Awards Latest
With the BAFTAs over for another year, our congratulations go to Matt Smith on being mentioned in more BBC reports of the event than almost any of the winners. But extra kudos to The Mill for their "Visual Effects" prize at the 2011 BAFTA Craft Awards, which they earned for their ever-reliable work on... oh. Oh dear.
Link of the Week
Blog Archive
Classic Doctor Who Dialogue Updated for the Twenty-First Century, Part One
"Snakes on a plane! What's that?"
You Fat Bastard
My Adipose stress-toy burst after ten days of squeezing, so there's something very wrong with at least one of us. However, the packaging features one of the best warnings in the history of consumerism: "To avoid strangulation risk, do not stretch the Adipose around anyone's neck." The Autons could only dream of this brave new world.
Commercial Break
"Gold prices are at an all-time high. Do you have gold jewellery you no longer need? We'll give you cash for it, no questions asked. At LeaveEarthDefenceless.com, we just... we just want to take it away from you. Please."
"I cannot give you cheap car insurance! CompareTheMyrka.com, CompareTheMarket.com. Simples! Raah."
Ooh, look! You can still visit the Beasthouse...
...at www.beasthouse.co.uk
The Seal of Rassilon
BAFTA Award Nominations: The BBC's News Coverage in Full
Good news for Doctor Who fans this week, as Doctor Who star Matt Smith was nominated in the prestigious Leading Actor category of the 2011 BAFTA awards. The Doctor Who production team is said to be "thrilled" by the announcement, while loyal Doctor Who viewers across the nation have given a thumbs-up to this acknowledgement of Doctor Who's main man. Other nominations mumble mumble three for Misfits mumble mumble Any Human Heart, but there are also nods for the BBC's Sherlock, written by Doctor Who producer Steven Moffat; and for the BBC's Being Human, created by Toby Whithouse, who's written two episodes of Doctor Who. The ceremony will take place on the 22nd of May, and is likely to be attended by the elite of British television talent (including Doctor Who's Matt Smith, pictured).
"Zirg didn't mind advertising the other Daleks, but felt that advertising Dr Who was somewhat beneath his dignity." Actually, although Sandwich-Board-Dalek is the most immediately noticeable thing about this cover, a more striking point is that the video was released by HBO... now known for The Wire, True Blood, and other things which don't seem on an obvious creative trajectory from Roy Castle falling over on a lever. A third point is that the tagline specifies an adventure in space, but not in time. So we can say with some certainty that the fall of the Dalek city took place in 1965, and not 1963 as Lance Parkin claimed.
"Planet of the Dead": Extracts from Russell T. Davies' Commentary
'One of the best things about Doctor Who is being able to show people things they've never seen on television before. So for this episode, we went to our most remote and extreme location yet in order to do the same shit as usual. Next year, we're going to remake "The Horns of Nimon" at the bottom of a sixteen-kilometre mineshaft in Peru.'
'As I've always said, this series may be able to go anywhere in the universe, but it always needs a grounding in reality. Which is why the emotional heart of this story is a number 200 bus with a ninja cat-burglar and a clairvoyant on board. Oh, and a comedy pleb we can kill off in the first act. That's a critical part of the storytelling process, because it establishes how high the stakes are, and that anybody who doesn't obey the good-looking middle-class man deserves to die.'
'It's become traditional for special episodes to feature special guests, and since Lee Evans is so popular - selling literally millions of copies of his last DVD - he seemed perfect for the utterly pointless role of Malcolm. Even if none of the people who bought the DVD actually watch this series. For the Christmas special, our guest star is going to be Jeremy Clarkson, who'll help the Doctor to defeat the Fox-People of Mangooska Six by running them over in a big van.'
'Tritovores! I mean, where else on television would you see people with the heads of flies...? Except in The Fly, obviously, both versions of which are in constant rotation on the Freeview channels. But the Tritovores were so striking that the Radio Times ran a feature on all the insect-monsters that have ever been in Doctor Who. Er, except the Husk from "Ghost Light". We thought that might make it a bit too obvious.'
'Viewers seemed to like the idea that they couldn't understand the Hath language in "The Doctor's Daughter", so we decided to do exactly the same thing again here. Admittedly, we only did it with the Hath because Stephen Greenhorn's alien dialogue was so embarrassing, but as I always say: the best ideas come by accident! Or incompetence.'
'Dramatic tension is the most important consideration in any script. In fact, it's the television equivalent of oil: the precious commodity which lies beneath any great drama, waiting to be tapped. This is why it has to be used sparingly, and why none of it turns up in "Planet of the Dead" for over half an hour. And I made sure that when it comes, it mostly involves people looking at TV screens, in case the audience becomes jaded by exciting things happening. A lot of fans complain that 45 minutes just isn't long enough for a proper story, and that each adventure seems to end much too quickly, which is why we wanted this one to drag on with agonising slowness.'
'Ah, I think the symbolism speaks for itself here. A stream of aggressive tadpole-like creatures, all of them trying to impregnate the womb of safety that's represented by the number 200 bus... we did this to prove that even if the writers believe Cat-Burglar Barbie to be what heterosexual men want to see on television, this is a programme that's very much in tune with the psyche of a mainstream audience. Because there's nothing less gay than giant sperm.'
'But however much we might want to push the envelope, there are some things people just expect from Doctor Who, and who are we to disappoint them? So here's someone dangling in a shaft while David Tennant gabbles some arse about alien technology.'
'And just when it seems there's a happy ending, a grim portent of the future. Something terrible is coming...! Actually, since this is a programme about a man fighting monsters who blow up planets, we probably don't need to point out that something terrible is coming. Especially when I keep telling people the same thing in interviews. But Mark Braxton only ever gives us a good review when there's clumsy foreshadowing tacked on the end, and the Babylon-5 fans still think it's clever, so here we see someone with psychic powers giving a vague warning to the Doctor. We've done this in every season so far, and it's never failed yet. Except when it's raised the viewers' expectations of the end-of-season finale to the point where the final episode can't possibly live up to the hype. And when it's obviously failed, like it has for the last two years.'
The New Argos Catalogue: "Magic Wands" Section
MW1. The HandyHand 3000. This portable, cheekily-shaped utility can hold up to 120 gigaspacks of regeneration energy, even the kind that makes absolutely no sense. Extra features include the ability to undermine what “regeneration” actually means, and the option to grow into a full-scale biological copy of the user for no discernable reason. No mechanical parts: every HandyHand 3000 is lovingly sliced from the wrist of a newly-regenerated Time Lord, who must be wondering why he never thought of doubling his lifespan by doing this sort of thing before. Guaranteed to be described as “iconic” in ten years’ time instead of “shit”. Cat. no. 202413.
MW2. Archangel Satellite System. The ideal gift for the evil mastermind on the go, the Archangel Satellite System allows today’s megalomaniac to brainwash an entire country in less than eighteen months, and become Prime Minister without the fuss of using his hypnotic powers or doing anything really devious. Can also be used to magically heal a shrunken, wizened time-traveller, and thus reaffirm his belief in the greatness of humanity. (Warning: reaffirming your belief in the greatness of humanity may involve convincing millions of people across the world to slavishly pray to a spurious messiah-figure, without any of the bad guys’ informers finding out about it.) Cat. no. 191312.
MW3 . Wristband Teleporter. The perfect way to get characters exactly where they need to be, without any need for proper coordinates or logical storytelling. Comes equipped with the new WhateverFix system: if disabled by a sonic device, the wristband can be re-booted just by punching in two digits from a completely different teleportation device that’s been produced by a completely different technology. Capable of transporting three people halfway across the galaxy and billions of years back in time, unless used in the middle of a Dalek attack, in which case it’s capable of transporting one person from Cardiff to London while leaving everybody else behind to die. Cat. no. 190311.
MW 4. Sonic Screwdriver. Our best-selling item, the Mk IV Screwdriver can do virtually anything the modern-day cosmic adventurer might ask, from soldering to rhinoplasty. Can also be waved in the faces of onlookers while you shout “it isn’t a massive cop-out, it’s part of the mythology!”. If trapped on a planet at the end of time and surrounded by cannibals while the Master steals your TARDIS, then why not try using the screwdriver in conjunction with item MW3, and instantly destroying any hope of dramatic tension? Cat. no. 182301.
MW5. Interdimensional Hoover. Scientific research has proved that nothing can exist in the void between universes, and that neither time nor matter have any meaning there, which is why it’s full of background radiation. Take advantage of this bizarre quirk of physics with the Interdimensional Hoover, powerful enough to suck up even the toughest ground-in Daleks and deposit them in an eternal interstitular Hell. Comes with a patented filter attachment, to prevent the dimension-hopping TARDIS being sucked out of the universe at the same time, somehow. (Warning: users are advised to use the Hoover only during an incredibly sad and distracting goodbye, to stop anyone asking how it works.) Cat. no. 180212.
MW 6. Self-Destructive Human Stooge. Hand-reared to sacrifice him- or herself for the greater good in any crisis, even when it’s entirely out of character. A perennial favourite, the Stooge also comes in “annoying American teenager” and “diminutive Australian”. Cat. no. 200410.
MW 7. Openable TARDIS Console. Still our most talked-about item, the Console allows even the most inexperienced user to access all the power of space and time (tow-truck not included), and is fitted with built-in “faith manipulators” to convert the emotional excitement of an end-of-season two-parter into pure Dalek-slaying energy while bypassing all logic and reason. Can only be used once without ripping the universe apart. (Has already been used twice.) Cat. no. 169113.
MW8. Thing That Can Vanish a Two-Hundred-Foot-Tall Cyberman. Christ knows how this one's supposed to work. Cat. no. 203500.
In Other News...
...world's philosophers admit to feeling "a bit silly" after last scene of "Prisoner of the Judoon" explains meaning of life: full story, page 3...
...recession leaves Time Lords "too poor to afford railings": full story, page 3...
...the thing that the man who's the foundation of this society would never do is "probably" the same thing that Meatloaf wouldn't do for love, say scientists: full story, page 3...
..."we were even more stoned when we thought this one up than we were during 'The Wheel in Space'," admits Cyber-Leader: full story, page 3...
...BBC launches "subconscious product-placement" inquiry, after viewers find themselves thinking about Tennant's Extra without knowing why: full story, page 3...
...following Australian court's ruling that obscene drawings of characters from The Simpsons qualify as "child pornography", 12,000 fanboys immediately arrested for writing slash-fic about sex with two-day-old girl: full story, page 3...
After Doctor Who, Sherlock, and Jekyll, BBC announces quest to find other UK legends that Steven Moffat can completely miss the point of and then ruin for everybody in the future: full story, page 3...
The Words to Well-Known Doctor Who Themes
1. Rose's "Doomsday" Theme
"Leeeeet's hope they never bring her baaack though, 'cos thaaaaat would be a bit too shite..."
2. Martha's "Dramatic" Theme
"Mar-tha... I can't say her real name, it's Free-ma, then something with an 'A'..."
3. Donna's "Pizzicato" Theme
"Crap! The comedy sidekick's back... crap! The comedy sidekick's back..."
4. The "Mysterious TARDIS Energy" Theme
"De-e-e-us ex ma-chi-na..."
The Moffat Times-Table
ONE
"Monsieur... what are you doing in my fireplace?"
"Look, I'm in the television!"
"Monsieur... what are you doing in my television?"
TWO
"Today... nobody dies!"
"Oh, you wonderful, impossible man."
"Today... nobody dies! Thanks to that wonderful, impossible man."
THREE
Contrived love interest.
"You don't know me, but I'm going to be important in your future."
"You don't know me, but I'm going to be a contrived love interest in your future."
FOUR
Inevitable love-interest death.
Timey-wimey paradoxical non-explanation.
Inevitable love-interest death, averted by timey-wimey paradoxical non-explanation.
FIVE
"Are you my mummy...? Are you my mummy...? Are you my mummy...?"
Real-world thing likely to make children pretend to be scared.
"Hey, I've been eaten by shadows...! Hey, I've been eaten by shadows...! Hey, I've been eaten by shadows...!"
SIX
Unexpected super-powers.
Absurd fetishisation of the Doctor.
Imminent godhood.
SEVEN
Sitcom characterisation.
Squee.
The Beast.
Oh, All Right Then...