Lawrence Miles' Doctor Who Thing: PEDANTFIGHT!!!

Tuesday, October 06, 2015

PEDANTFIGHT!!!

Examples:

"The Tenth, Fifth, and Second are the best of the Doctors."

"Christopher Eccleston, Peter Davison, and Patrick Troughton were the best Doctor Whos."

Listen, kid, I was writing Doctor Who literature before you were at the Guardian Style Guide.

(Oh, obviously italics for the title of the programme. "Christopher Eccleston, Peter Davison, and Patrick Troughton were the best actors to play the lead in Doctor Who.")

You Know What...?

I'm now so thoroughy depressed, appalled, and irritated by the tabloid media's war on (a) the BBC and (b) facts, I can't even be bothered doing the joke about the deleted scene from "A Fix with Sontarans" that was supposed to accompany this photo. (Yeah, it's just two schoolgirls giggling outside a police box. Whatever punchline you like, really.) But I will mention that in 1977, the same year Mary Whitehouse's assault on Doctor Who reached its most vitriolic point, she presented Jimmy Savile with a special award for his "wholesome family entertainment". Then, as now, morality campaigners were very bad at spotting actual immorality. Even when it was standing right next to them in a DayGlo vest.

"Yes! Duh: how are you going to look cool when you're agonizing about stuff? In fact, not only should you broadcast an order to commit genocide against creepy-looking aliens, you should turn your sonic screwdriver into a gun so that you can help your love-interest slaughter as many of them as possible on the way out. Then, once she's good and hot from all the killing, cop off with her while dramatic music plays in the background and the viewers cheer like the shit-eating battery animals we all know they are. Haven't you seen any action movies? Get with the programme, granddad!"

"Zirg didn't mind advertising the other Daleks, but felt that advertising Dr Who was somewhat beneath his dignity." Actually, although Sandwich-Board-Dalek is the most immediately noticeable thing about this cover, a more striking point is that the video was released by HBO... now known for The Wire, True Blood, and other things which don't seem on an obvious creative trajectory from Roy Castle falling over on a lever. A third point is that the tagline specifies an adventure in space, but not in time. So we can say with some certainty that the fall of the Dalek city took place in 1965, and not 1963 as Lance Parkin claimed.

MW1. The HandyHand 3000. This portable, cheekily-shaped utility can hold up to 120 gigaspacks of regeneration energy, even the kind that makes absolutely no sense. Extra features include the ability to undermine what “regeneration” actually means, and the option to grow into a full-scale biological copy of the user for no discernable reason. No mechanical parts: every HandyHand 3000 is lovingly sliced from the wrist of a newly-regenerated Time Lord, who must be wondering why he never thought of doubling his lifespan by doing this sort of thing before. Guaranteed to be described as “iconic” in ten years’ time instead of “shit”. Cat. no. 202413.

MW2. Archangel Satellite System. The ideal gift for the evil mastermind on the go, the Archangel Satellite System allows today’s megalomaniac to brainwash an entire country in less than eighteen months, and become Prime Minister without the fuss of using his hypnotic powers or doing anything really devious. Can also be used to magically heal a shrunken, wizened time-traveller, and thus reaffirm his belief in the greatness of humanity. (Warning: reaffirming your belief in the greatness of humanity may involve convincing millions of people across the world to slavishly pray to a spurious messiah-figure, without any of the bad guys’ informers finding out about it.) Cat. no. 191312.

MW3 . Wristband Teleporter. The perfect way to get characters exactly where they need to be, without any need for proper coordinates or logical storytelling. Comes equipped with the new WhateverFix system: if disabled by a sonic device, the wristband can be re-booted just by punching in two digits from a completely different teleportation device that’s been produced by a completely different technology. Capable of transporting three people halfway across the galaxy and billions of years back in time, unless used in the middle of a Dalek attack, in which case it’s capable of transporting one person from Cardiff to London while leaving everybody else behind to die. Cat. no. 190311.

MW 4. Sonic Screwdriver. Our best-selling item, the Mk IV Screwdriver can do virtually anything the modern-day cosmic adventurer might ask, from soldering to rhinoplasty. Can also be waved in the faces of onlookers while you shout “it isn’t a massive cop-out, it’s part of the mythology!”. If trapped on a planet at the end of time and surrounded by cannibals while the Master steals your TARDIS, then why not try using the screwdriver in conjunction with item MW3, and instantly destroying any hope of dramatic tension? Cat. no. 182301.

MW5. Interdimensional Hoover. Scientific research has proved that nothing can exist in the void between universes, and that neither time nor matter have any meaning there, which is why it’s full of background radiation. Take advantage of this bizarre quirk of physics with the Interdimensional Hoover, powerful enough to suck up even the toughest ground-in Daleks and deposit them in an eternal interstitular Hell. Comes with a patented filter attachment, to prevent the dimension-hopping TARDIS being sucked out of the universe at the same time, somehow. (Warning: users are advised to use the Hoover only during an incredibly sad and distracting goodbye, to stop anyone asking how it works.) Cat. no. 180212.

Oh, All Right Then...

...yes, yes, I know. I'm just bitter and jealous.

The last time I tried to e-mail Steven Moffat was, predictably, shortly after he got his sneery Scots backside into the producer's chair. No, it's true: even his backside is capable of sneering. I asked him whether he could possibly lift my exile from BBC Books, (a) because it'd keep me quiet without requiring him to have any personal contact with me, and (b) because I'd probably do a better job of writing for the re-vamped range than anyone else who might possibly want to do it (remember, he actually liked my work, at least when it wasn't pointing in his direction). He never replied, and a couple of months later, it was announced that Michael Moorcock would be writing a Doctor Who novel. Call me paranoid, but just for a moment, it felt as if someone were deliberately trying to prove me wrong.

Then again, maybe I shouldn't have started the e-mail with the words "Dear Cheeky-Chops".

Over and out.

Lawrence Miles' Doctor Who Thing

Tuesday, October 06, 2015

PEDANTFIGHT!!!

That Unfortunate First Page of "Doctor Who and the Crusaders"

This Year's Big Story: Time-Traveller Demonstrates Knowledge of Future

You Know What...?

In Other News...

Separated at Birth...

In Last Year's News...

Morality Corner: Your Ethical Questions Answered

Blog Archive

You Fat Bastard

Commercial Break

Ooh, look! You can still visit the Beasthouse...

The Seal of Rassilon

The New Argos Catalogue: "Magic Wands" Section

In Other News...

The Words to Well-Known Doctor Who Themes

1. Rose's "Doomsday" Theme

2. Martha's "Dramatic" Theme

3. Donna's "Pizzicato" Theme

4. The "Mysterious TARDIS Energy" Theme

The Moffat Times-Table

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

Oh, All Right Then...